Evaluation

I suddenly feel like i don't know what do i want in my life.

This holiday just made me think, at every single point of time in life, we all desire something or need that something to fill us. and it is different at every moment in time.
I just did some reflecting after the things that has been happening around me, all at a go.
And I realized that I am tired, genuinely. Of living up to people's expectations, of being superficial, of doing things for the sake of it. I changed. And yes, I do admit to that. Me now, and me 5 years ago? A definite difference. Thing that i cannot pinpoint is, is it for the better or worse. There's always two sides to a coin. Everyone's facing their various issues, the only question is, who sticks through? and who does not. who will you lose along the way, and who will be there for you and tide you over.
i guess its only human to put up our walls, its our protective shell so that we do not get hurt. but it has not occurred to us that in the process of not getting hurt, we get neither loved nor hurt. and given the chance, i would rather experience the extremes of both.

Apathy gets the better of me over the years, i guess its everyone. Everyone will change for sure, its just a matter of whether the people around us accepts the change but everyone's so busy with our own lives that we probably cannot be bothered anymore. If only each of us spares a thought for everyone around us, put in some effort and be real, and not superficial. Perhaps than will we find the true meaning of life, be it in friendships, relationships or any other things and than things will start working out. Pride might get the better of us, thats why reality checks are so important and i think its been awhile since i did some reflection on my end.
Did a count of my groups of friends but sadly, mostly superficial. It's a huge role on my end and i realize that it shouldn't be friendships that make me who i am nor level of friendships that fill any voids or emptiness because that's a hole that only God can fill.

I want to be a person of positive influence. a person who impacts people positively, i think it shouldn't only be during the start of a new year where we make new resolutions but it should always be a part of us, wanting to change ourselves constantly, not to please others but to be a better person.
i figured, instead of trying to pinpoint a person's flaws and giving reasons for why the person should change, why the person is not good enough why not start with myself. its high time to stop pointing fingers and do something about it.

"if everyone's superficial. why should i bother?"- a common mentality
"if everyone's superficial, why should i be someone like this as well? why can't i be the one who breaks the walls of superficiality?"- mine mentality

major reason that i like to talk with people from different walks of life, i gain more insights, broaden my perspective, i feel that at 19 i don't want my perspective to be limited instead, i want to be able to see things from another way and gain clearer hindsight. its time to lean on God's strength for all of the above i just mentioned, i am sure that alone i can't but by his grace and power i can be an overcomer, a victor.

most of all, be true to yourself, be who you are. and be contented and life would have just gotten better by a whole bit.